Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch dnoe at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are; the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig, huh?
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
In case you missed it, the New York City School Board has officially declared Jewish English.... now dubbed Hebonics.... as a second language. Backers of the move say the City's School District is the first in the State to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, Linguistics Professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle
and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish. Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question plus a
complaint that is implied or stated. Thus:
"How are you?" may be answered,
"How should I be, with my feet?"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:
"It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as:
"He's slow as a turtle," could be:
"Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
The definiative explanation for the red hue of fire engines, presented in the form of a conversation:
Max: Hey, I read a book yesterday.
Stan: Was it good? Hey, I read a book yesterday! And a magazine, too.
Max: You know, two plus two is four.
Stan: Yeah, and four times three is twelve...
Max: Well, there're twelve inches in a foot.
Stan: A ruler is a foot long.
Max: Queen Elizabeth was a ruler
Stan: Um, Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Max: Ships go in water!
Stan: Fish live in water.
Max: Fish have fins!
Stan: The Finns? They fought the Russians
Max: Weren't the Russians nicknamed the Reds?
Stan: So they were... and since fire engines are always rushin', they must be red!
a more appropriate way to start it is to suggest that a fire truck has
four wheels and 8 crew members.
A mushroom walks into a bar. Seeing him, the bartender yells, Hey, we
don't serve mushrooms in here. Get out!
The mushroom meekly replies,
Why not? I'm a fungi!
A string walks into a bar. Seeing her, the bartender yells, Hey, we don't
serve strings in here. Get out!
The string shrugs and walks out,
sits on the curb, and starts to think. Suddenly, she starts to flop around on
the ground, attacking herself, and finally ends up tying herself in a knot.
Then, she calmly walks back into the bar. The bartender looks up at her and
inquires, Aren't you that string I just threw out of here?
The string
smiles innocently and replies, Nope, I'm a frayed knot.
A rich snails buys himself a car, and paints a huge 'S' on it (for 'snail').
One day, he's racing along when a hungry hippo sees him and exclaims, Wow,
look at that 'S' car go!
Two peanuts walk into a forest, and one of them is assaulted.
Check out this analysis of the airspeed velocity of the unladen swallow.